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Gay Survey

2004-09-20T01:16:39Z

*The \\*
Last Cigarette:	Friday Night @ Hunters
Last Alcoholic Drink:	Last night @ Charlie's
Last Car Ride:	This morning @ 3:30 from Charlie's
Last Kiss:	Friday night w/ Tony
Last Good Cry:	When I got kicked out
Last Library Book:	I buy books, I don't rent them
Last book bought:	The Way
Last Book Read:	The Five People You Meet In Heaven
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:	Vanity Fair
Last Movie Rented:	The Life of David Gale
Last Cuss Word Uttered:	Fuckin' - I use it in every sentence
Last Beverage Drank:	Water w/ lemon
Last Food Consumed:	1/2 of a salad
Last Crush:	Mikey
Last Phone Call:	Jillian
Last TV Show Watched:	The Surreal Life
Last Time Showered:	This Morning
Last Shoes Worn:	My sandals
Last CD Played:	Avril Lavigne
Last Item Bought:	A drink
Last Download:	Britney Spears - My Prerogative
Last Annoyance:	My sister saying the 'N' word
Last Disappointment:	My sister saying the 'N' word
Last Soda Drank:	Squirt
Last Thing Written:	A sad post in my journal
Last Key Used:	Backdoor key
Last Words Spoken:	that
Last Sleep:	I took a nap from 4 to 8 just now
Last Ice Cream Eaten:	Vanilla
Last Chair Sat In:	My computer chair
Last Webpage Visited:	www.livejournal.com
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That's My Prerogative!

2004-09-14T05:10:41Z

All my friends are talking, all this shit about me. Why don't they just let me live? They say I'm crazy. I really don't care. They say I'm nasty. But I don't give a damn. Getting boys is how I live.
Some ask me, why am I so fake? But they don't understand me. It's the way I wanna live. Ego trips is not my thing. All these strange relationships really gets me down, I see nothing wrong in spreading myself around. How can I live my life with all these people saying shit about me? Why don't they just let me fuckin' live?!

FUCK YOU! This is not self pity, this is not me looking to find someone to come and hold my head while I cry. This is me being fucking real, and how every fucking person has effected my life. FUCK ALL OF YOU! My friends! What friends?! Friends don't fucking treat eachother like shit. You guys are not my friends! I'm sick of hearing shit and seeing shit that I dont want to here and see... I would like YOU to come up to me and talk about it like 2 real men!

I've been a emotional wreck this past weekend. Going to bars, trying to have fun, and realizing that I'm SHIT to everyone. I went to go get drunk, and have fun with my friends! Trying to, turned into not doing it. Thursday, realized that I wasn't the one he liked. And I'm cool with that. I kinda realized that I should stop trying n shit. I knew things were going on, so I left the situation. Cool. When I leave, I'm cool. So I left, right? Friday, went to a new bar with those friends and the crush. Had soo much fun at first. Had all these guys buy me drinks. Danced my heart and ass out. Then the alcohol got kicked in, and heard my friends talkin shit about me, and pointing and just shit. So I left that area, and talked to some guys, got more drinks and danced. When I leave, it's good. Came back and pored my heart out to Kiersten. Told her everything I was feeling. Night went on, Drama... Thought Andy hated me, b/c someone told him I had sex with Mikey in Andy's bed... drama. There's more but I dont wanna talk about it. Drove drunk to Andy's parking lot and slept in my car. Woke up at 7 and drove home.

Later that day, went to Mikey's. Me, Mikey, Kiersten, David and Andy all took a road trip to Easter so Kiersten could see her boyfriend Darrell. We all decided to go to U of I, in Champaign. I was sooo mother fucking excited b/c tons of my friends live down there, and i used to go there all the time and i havent seen anyone in quite a while. i called all my friends and told them i was coming down! We got our hotel room, got ready, and us 4 boys were out to set Champaign on fire with our fine Chicago asses. We went to C-Street, and I met up with all my friends, while my 3 friends from home just went their own little seperate way. I had many guys buy me drinks, and I danced my ass off and had everyone wanting a peice of me. I had guys in a line just to dance with me. Whatever. As long as I was drinking I was fine. I ran into a lot of my Mike, my X's, friends. They were fun! After we went to Keith's after party. I drank sooo fucking much. The guy had so much alcohol and it all went into me. I met some really cool guys. Us Chicago boys had all the attention on us, b/c we were hot and new. Drama happened with the transi Zac, who is a mess and is all about drama in herself, and I was very close to beating this fuck outa her friends. Us Chicago boys were ready. My good friend Anthony broke it all apart, and the Chi boys went to his place. Drank some wine... well I had like a lot of it, and we all watched a porn and went back to the hotel room. I guess we got lost for 2 hours... while I was sleeping in the car. I know that area sooo well. I know all the streets and all the highways. I've been down there 100000 times! They didnt bother waking me up. BUt its cool. I was passed out.

We got to the hotel room. I took a shower, just to shower, feel better and sober up. Apparently, I fell asleep in the tub, while the water was running and shit. Just passed out. I could have died. Like I wonder if I hit my head. I could have and died. I dont know. Well I guess my friends thought it was funny and decided to take pictures of me... naked! And that fucking pisses me off so much, and I should have made a big deal about it, and I dont know why I fucking didnt. Feeling clean, I went to bed. I guess an hour later we hit the road, picked up Kiersten, and drove home.

The whole way home I thought about the weekend, and how Im just so different and distant from each and everyone in the car. On the way down there, I tried to talk Andy and fill him in about me. I got a letter from a freind/friends saying how fake I was and all this shit. Just putting me down. But, yet again, I dont feel like I should have said anything. I really doubt I'll be hanging out with those guys again... I would like to. I don't think they want to. I gota vibe when I walked away like, 'This will definitly be the last time.' That's cool... When I leave, I'm happy.

Not to sound cocky, but... I'm hot. I'm fun. I'm flirty. I'm sexy. Why am I the one getting messed up and having my heart broken? I should be the one breaking hearts! I'm not looking for a relationship or the perfect boyfriend anymore. I'm going to have fun, fuck everyone.

I need some new friends. I love them and all, but Im not feeling no love back. Ya know?

phone rings AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

2004-09-06T21:04:19Z

Wassup homies?

Friday, I had so much fun w/ Brad, Andy, Britt, Mike, and Tony. It was soo much fun. I will leave the details out. It will get me in trouble. Drunks.

Saturday, I don't remember. I think Me and Jillian did something. Oh ya, then I met up with Brad, Britt, David, Tina, Fred and Sam. We went to this party thing. Me and Brad drank. It was lame, but I had fun with him.

Sunday, Me and Jillian took photos for her photography class. She took a picture of me, in a tree, shirtless, looking very sexy. And its in black and white. SOOO hotttt. And then I met up with Brad, Mike, Jaime and Travis. That was a fun night too. Details, wont be in here. I got kicked out of somewhere for dancing tooooo dirrty.

Monday, I went to my Gram's, got some money, but don't have that money anymore. And then I'm going to Jillian's for a little bit. My Gram took me out to eat, I haven't eated in like 5 days! I had 1/2 of a salad.

RYAN IS FUCKING GOING TO LT'S HOMECOMING... RYAN! THE ONLY GUY I HAVE EVER TRULY LOVED! OMG I HAVE TO LOOK SOOOOOOOOO HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Oh PS....nevermind. I wont say.

Doth

2004-09-03T06:02:08Z

I'm not saddened and I don't miss you, cause I have moved on too. I'm not concerned about your new lover, cause I've a new lover too.

Ok so a thought came to me today, really - I don't trust any boy - AT ALL. They can easily LIE to me. Like, why haven't I noticed this before!? Maybe that's why I always end up getting hurt - b/c I believe everything a jag off tells me. B/c what he tells me, is things that I want to here. No one is fucking honest. I don't get it. Am I the only one? I'm honest with everything when it comes to a relationship. I started thinking this, b/c I talked to a person, that knows an EX of mine. And I remember asking my EX, "Have you ever cheated on someone." That's a question I always ask a guy that I'm interested in. They all say NO! But I know - all the answere's have been YES, b/c they've cheated on me when I was with them. Like, and they always have the same excuse - "I would break up with you if I was going to cheat on you." Yaaa ok. Jo isn't going to be dumb anymore. I have to stop thinking 'love' and start thinking 'Jo'. I have to STOP looking for Mr. Right or The Man of My Dreams or The Man I'm Going to Spend the Rest of My Life With. That's what I expect, and I don't get it. Let him come to me ya know. I need to stop going out there and looking for him, b/c maybe no one is right for me. Maybe I'm not right for anybody. God dammit, I think I'm a perfect fucking boyfriend (putting all the fucked up things about me aside). Ha... that's an irony. I just don't know anymore. I'm 18. So young. People my age aren't in relationships... they're ruining relationships and sleeping with every dick in the city. Instead of Sex and The City - my version is Dick and The City - but dick has to do with sex, so that doesn't change much. Whatever. I don't trust anyone! And I'm never dating someone again, until I get to know them, a lot about them. No more jumping into a fucking relationship feet first, b/c when I do that, I always end up on my head... well ass.

I started reading a book I just bought - the five people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom. It's a continuation kinda thing from the book Tuesdays with Morrie. Yes, I read.

FUCKIN' PATHETIC FAGGOT!

2004-09-02T20:29:03Z

"HE HAS A LIST OF PEOPLE THAT HE'S SLEPT WITH! THAT'S FUCKING PATHETIC AND SAD!"

My Unsent Letters To Some of My Men

2004-09-02T07:13:51Z

Dear *-
I like you a lot. I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now and I respect that. I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to hang out, I would be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you first started to break hearts.

Dear *-
I liked you too much. I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves and you were plenty self destructive for my taste at the time. I used to say, "the more tragic the better." The truth is whenever I think of the first time we dated, your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday.

Dear *-
I love you muchly. You've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me. I kept drawing you in and pushing you away. I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time. You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself. What was wrong with me?

Dear *-
You rocked my world. You had a charismatic way about you with the boys and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass. But I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though and that stopped us from going any further than we did and it's kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun.

Dear *-
You were an adventure, besides being a few decades older than I was. You used to write the most poetic loveletters and I still have them. You were in and out of several relationships, while you were with me and you liked them young and naive so you could have the power and the dramas to feel fear. I wonder what your wife thought of all of this.

Dear *-
We learned so much. I realize we won't be able to talk for some time and I understand that as I do you. The long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could. We were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives. I will always have your back and be curious about you. About your career, about your whereabouts.

Dear *-
I missed you a lot. There was a period of time when I was too mad to even bring up your name and it killed me to hear you discount the time we spent together. I knew all along that we had different tastes in moderations and we couldn't hang out forever and while it lasted, it was hilarious.

You are... You are... You ain't...

2004-09-02T07:05:57Z

We share a culture and the same vernacular love of physical humor and time spent alone. You with your penchant for spontaneous events, for sticky and raspy, unearthed and then gone. You are a gift promised sent with a wink, with tendencies for conversations that raise bars. You are a sage who is fueled by compassion, comes to nooks and crannies, is bound for all stars. You are a spirit that knows of no limit, that knows of no ceiling, who baulks at dead-ends. You are a wordsmith who cares for his brothers, and not seduced by illusions of fair-weather friends. You are a vision who lives by the signals of stomach and intuition as your guide. You are a sliver of god on a platter, who walks what he talks and who cops when he's lied.

Beautiful Disaster

2004-09-02T06:52:21Z

So, one of my ex's texted me this when we were dating: "Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime." (Insert sappy awww here) Well, he turned out to be a complete jack ass, and thankfully love didn't touch us. However, I am thankful for his reminder. Okay, so it's not love at this point, we'll call it profound adoration!:) To you- "Profound adoration can touch us one time and last for a lifetime!" I'd love it if you lasted for a lifetime, but I'll welcome the moments we have right now as well.

I felt like Ty from Trading Spaces today. I went nuts on Jillian's room. I did a complete one-eighty to that room. It looks so hot. And I'm not done yet. This is what bordom does to me!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! LOVES IT!

"Everyone Wants Jo's Goodies"

2004-09-01T07:03:10Z

I hung out w/ Diana yesterday. It was sooo much fun. I love that girl to death. She's fabulous and a huge ball of energy. We went to Boystown, and did a little shopping, and stopped at Chad's to get my present and then ate at Nookies. I brought her home & slept by Jillian's. Jillian is now in school - very sad.

Today, I waited till Jillian came home from school. We had dinner and then I left and went to Vincenzo's place. We watched Moonstruck. I want to buy that on DVD. Real bad! Sucha good movie! I talked to my best friend Mark today. He's moved into DePaul and I miss him, even though he's closer to me than he was before. But I love him and miss him. Aw Marky Mark.

I made a resume. Well accually, Tim and Jenna helped me with it. It's hot. And I applied at H&M, that is opening up in Orland. I probably wont get it. I didn't take the job at LA TAN, WOW! AM I STUPID! Whatev.

Goodnight.

Everyone Wants My Goodies

2004-08-30T19:38:28Z

~I got a job at LA TAN, but I'm not sure if I'm going to take it.
~Jillian is back in school. I'm not.
~For my birthday, Chad got me a 'Happy Birthday Jo - Britney Spears' autograph type a deal. It's hot and I love it.
~I started, working out, dancing, and smoking. That's hot.

Nothing else. My life is so gay

Tilt 'Cha Head Back

2004-08-29T17:12:29Z

Tonight is Jillian's party, and it's also the Video Music Awards, where I JUST KNOW that Britney will be doing something so fucking outrageous! AAH! I can't wait!

Fuck you, asshole.

I have nothing else to say. Tomorrow is Monday. :(

That's my prerogative.

2004-08-27T19:47:29Z

I think it's hilarious how some people read this journal, even though there not a part of my life anymore. How sad right? That they need to know what still goes on in my life. Like, get your own life. But I should just take it as a fuckin' compliment that your so in-tuned with my life and how I live it. Your pathetic, faggot.

Anyways, my dance company called me, and they want me back in dance. They were wondering if I could help teach a dance class. They would be kids from 15-18. And all I would do is teach them choreography to songs, and that's it. But I don't know if I want to do that. I don't have the money to take another dance class, but this is my way of getting in it for free. If I teach, I can take whatever dance class that I want, for free. So one hand washes the other. I don't know. I have school, and work and a life. Dance would be hard to fit in. HA! Right.

I'M SO SICK OF HER! GOOOOOOD!

Vincenzo is in Canada until Wednesday.
Cody is in Colorado until Thursday.
Mike is in his own shit hole no life hell until he dies.
Chad is in my life again. (well he never left)
And Jillian is in me forever. lol.

To Sum Up My Summer

2004-08-26T20:57:13Z

I crashed on the floor when we went into this little bungalow with some strange new friends. We stayed up too late, and I'm too thin. We promise each other it's til the end. Now we're spinning empty bottles. It's the four of us. With pretty eyed boys, die to trust. I can't resist the day. I screamed out and it's no pose. Because when I dance I go and go. There was beer through my nose on an inside joke. I'm so excited, I haven't spoken & he's so pretty, and he's so sure. Maybe I'm more clever than a guy like him. The summer's all in bloom and my summer is ending soon. It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone, but I hold on to your secrets. Maybe I'm a little bit over my head. I come undone at the things he said & he's so funny in his bright red shirt. We were all in love and we all got hurt. I sneak into his car's black leather seat. I smelled the gasoline in the summer heat. We're going way too fast & it's all too sweet to last. It's alright & I put myself in his hands. And I'll hold on to those secrets. Love, or something ignites in my veins & hopefully he never fades. My first time, hard to explain. Rush of blood and a little bit of pain. On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think because he's my first mistake. Maybe you were all faster than me. I give them up so easily. These silly little wounds will never mend. I feel so far from where I've been, so I go, and I will not be back here again. I'm gone as the day is fading. I lie, put my injuries all in the dust. In my heart is the four of us. And you, maybe you'll remember me. What I gave is yours to keep.

I'm Pullin' at my clothes

2004-08-25T17:22:50Z

All that I did was walk over and start off by shaking your hand. That's how it went. I had a smile on my face and I sat up straight. I just don't understand why you won't talk to me. It's hurts that I'm so unwanted for nothing. Don't talk words against me. I wanted to know you. I wanted to show you.

You don't know me. Don't ignore me. You don't want me there. You just shut me out. If you had your way, you'd just shut me up & make me go away.

I tried to belong. It didn't seem wrong. My head aches. Its been so long since I heard that song. If that's what it takes, then fuck you.

I was biting my nails. I was pulling at my clothes. I tried to keep my cool. And I knew that it showed. I was staring at my feet and my cheeks were turning red. I was searching for the words to say. Because I was feeling nervous, and trying to be so perfect. Cause I know he was worth it.

Last night I went to a very FINE Italian restaurant with Vincenzo. And then I went back to his place and we watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It was so much a good movie. I want to buy it now! I learned to much from that Italian man! Like much more than I ever learned from my Grandpa. So cool.

Jillian told me Mean Girls is on DVD! UH... HELLO?!?! I HAVE TO GO GET IT RIGHT NOW!

Is it ever enough?

2004-08-24T05:05:13Z

I literally did nothing today. I just didn't feel like it. I sat at home, took a very long shower, watched Sex and the City, ate tons of food, drank SO much water, I was peeing every 10 minutes. Then I at 8:30, I decided to leave. I went for a drive. Vincenzo called me the second I left my house, I drove down to 'My Spot' by the lake, still talk to him, and sat down. I went there to think and gather all my thoughts, and I wanted to talk to myself, and just think about everything. But instead of talking to myself, I let it all out to Vincenzo, and he sat and listened to me the whole time. It was nice. But I don't know if it would have been nicer to just think on my own. I guess it was good to express to someone. I don't know. But I'm glad he listened to me. I literally didn't stop talking. I just walked in now. I stopped at Taco Bell to get the Chicken Quesadilla thing, which is ORGASMIC, still talking to him. We got off at like 11:45. We started talking at 9. That's nuts. I probably drove him nuts, like I drive everyone else nuts. Oh well. He was my free therapist.

Anyways, I do have a lot to say. Well, I always have a lot to say. But I have a lot to say to someone, but I need time to think and gather my thoughts. Chad, I know your reading this... and all I have to say, is (and don't say anything to me, until I talk to you), is that I do want to stay friends with you. I want you in my life somehow, and right now, I think friendship is the best way. When I'm ready, I'll talk.

I gained 10 lbs! And I'm not joking. It's time to not eat!~

Cigarette's is the only thing keeping me sane.

2004-08-23T18:08:08Z

"There's gotta be more to life, than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me."

I thought you were cool until this point. I finally figured out you're all the same! Always coming up with some kind of story! So I thought he'd have the decency to know. But I guess he didn't take that warning, 'Cause I'm not about to look at his face again. Was that too much that I was asking for?

18 FUCKING SUCKS! Everyday since August 20th! Starting w/ how my best friend RUINED my birthday by not calling nor even seeing me. But by 9 o'clock, it wasn't so bad, for the near fact that I was drunk and dancing. The only things I'm good at. Then the 21st came, and still no talk with my 'best friend'. So I ate food with Jillian. B/c we are depressed. Then the 22nd came around, and I woke up in a bad mood. And later at night, I got a phone call. Mike popped up on my caller ID & I screamed to Jillian "OHMIGOD! MIKE IS CALLING ME!" Went out side to answere. I answered to him SCREAMING at me. Saying harsh stuff, like "You didn't appreciate me calling you at 4:30 in the morning on your birthday, to wish you a happy birthday, when really I DONT CARE!" It was drama that he had with Chad, and of course, I fuckin' have to be in the middle of it.

3 seconds after Mike called me, Chad messaged me saying 'I HEART YOU'... ODD & OFF, isn't it? So I simply said 'FUCK YOU.' And that's when it started. Chad called, left a voicemail, saying he NEVER WANTS TO SEE ME AGAIN, and wants his $2,000 necklace back. Wish granted. Any boy that says that to me, will get what he asks for b/c I'm not the person to dick around with someone that doesn't EVER want to see me again. So I simply hopped in my car. Drove to Chad's. Rolled down my window, handed him his shit. He opened my car door. Jumped in my car, turned the car off while it was still IN DRIVE!!! And decided to PUT HIS HAND ON ME! Literally pushed the fuck outa my head! I DON'T THINK SO. I did the whole abusive relationship before, and I'm not going anywhere near that again. No one puts their hands on me, unless its on my dick! And really, it takes a lot to even do that! I know he was caught up in the moment, and his friends were around, but if you cant be yourself around your friends, and around me at the same time, then your not who I thought you were. I'll talk to Chad, when I'm ready to talk to him. I'm disgusted. Hurt. And sick of always finding these fuckin' assholes that do nothing but bring me down! Well I'm up now. I'm fragile. Hopeless. But I'm free.

Mike, again, I'm sorry.

WHEN WILL ALL THIS FUCKIN' DRAMA STOP? I'M 18!! I SHOULD BE HAPPY! AND HAVING FUN! NOT IN A SHIT WHOLE EVERYTIME I MEET A FUCKIN' GUY! I'm done. Over it.

Let's see. in the past 3 days of being 18... I lost 3 people. Erica, Mike, and Chad. WHO IS IT TODAY? OH WAIT! Also, the Honda Civic I was suppose to buy, was bought by a 16 year old bitch. Lost that too! That's what I lost today. Soon, I'm going to lose my sanity! But I'll never lose myself.

Fukt ^

2004-08-21T17:24:21Z

My Birthday was not so glitter... until 9 o'clock.

I thought I had dinner plans with my friends, Erica and Jillian. B/c we discussed it. I tried to get ahold of them all day to finalize them, and go out with them. But they weren't answering their phone b/c they didn't want to 'go over their minutes' b/c it was during the day. Nor did they call me to wish me a happy birthday. Jillian did at midnight, so I can't be mad at her. But Erica, but supposed best friend... wanted to wait till 9 o'clock, when her free nights and weekends started. Jillian's Ma called and yelled at them, and the coincidentally, after that, both Jillian and Erica texted me at the same time. Whatever I'm over it. I was pissed off b/c wouldn't the RIGHT FUCKING THING TO DO IS TO SEE YOUR FUCKIN BEST FRIEND ON HIS BIRTHDAY??? Right. Whatever. I was hurt. Who wouldn't be? They got drunk at Kathleen's instead. Real cool. Whatev. I'm over it.

So then I drove to Chad's where he handed me a card and roses and he has something else for my birthday, but it's 'not here yet.' I don't know what it is, but Tyler said I'm going to cum in my pants when I get it. Exciting! So we got ready and instead of going to Hunter's for my birthday we stayed in boystown and got drunk as hell. We went to Felt and then spent the rest of the night, at Hydrate. It was a lot of fun, and I was feeling good. And wasn't thinking about anything that would make me sad. It was a great night. Thanks Chad!

My Goodies

2004-08-20T07:34:02Z

Quick run down of the past few days. Me, Erica, Kathleen, and Rhiannone got together a surprise birthday party for Jillian. Everything went to plan and it was a success. Jillian got really drunk, then she slept at my house. We woke up. Took her to the DMV to get a state ID. And then I took her to get her nails done.
After that I bummed around the house and got ready. Went to Jillian's for a bit. Erica and Kathleen ditched us. Then we went out. We stopped at Chad's house and Chad was being very mean to me, and even his friend and Jillian agreed. But whatever. Then Jillian and I left.
While driving on I55, Mike called me and wished me a happy birthday. It was very sweet of him to do that, b/c he didn't have to. But it was nice... A very thoughtful and mike-like thing to do. *he also called me at like 4:30, and we talked for like 20 min. it was good... for the fact that i was sleeping! but whatever.

And for that, I drink my Skyy blue... here's a toast to you Jo, ... happy birthday!

Mr. Big & Aiden = Mike & Ryan

2004-08-19T22:32:02Z

Did you ever have a BLAST from the PAST?
I swear, my life, is exactly like Carrie Bradshaw's from Sex And The City. It's so ironic. I've truly cares about 2 boys my whole gay relationship life. Ryan, and now Mike. I've had many relationships, but not as profound as these. I wasn't with Mike long. At all. But I felt that it was right. I was happy with him. Truly. Honestly. I liked him a lot, but somethings just fade... as we have faded. Into complete oblivion. And even though that 'past' was 2 weeks ago... it's in the past 2 centuries ago. I'm over it. I'll still think of him, but not in a sad way, just in a way... of... 'Aw, that was just another stepping stone into where I'm going to end up.' I'm not ready to do the relationship thing again though. I have my friends to deal with... and I'm giving them time of me, that they haven't had in a while. I'm having fun with them!
Ryan on the other hand, the only guy that I have ever Truly. And honestly. loved and ever loved me back. Blasted me back into the past today. One year ago, on my birthday, we went to a coffee house, where ALL of my friends (about 40) surprised me! Becky, Michelle, and Laura (who are talented and have beautiful voices) sang a song to me each. It was beautiful. Becky sang mine and Ryan's song to us, and Ry & I, both cried. It was very special.
Becky talked to Ryan today! It was literally a reasurrance, that I will be ok. Ryan & Mike (the guy Ryan left me for), are still together. That is love! They had a past, before I came along. And I don't blame Ryan for having a true sence in his heart to be with Mike. Ryan and I, couldn't even be friends. Ryan was sleeping with me, while still with Mike. And for Ryan and Mike to be together, I wasn't able to be around. It was a hard break up, and a hard end of a friendship. It really was. He was the most important thing in my life. He told Becky, I'll always have a place in his heart. And blah blah blah. I don't think we're gonna talk again. I know damn well, if I see him walking the street, I will turn the other way and walk away. I couldn't face the sadness and pain again. And I don't want him to hurt me again and hurt himself. B/c the day he broke my heart, he broke his too. But for that one phone call I got from Becky, whether or not I even or never talk to him again... it made my birthday. I just hope something GREAT happens tomorrow.
____________________________________________________________

"I wanted to fly, so he gave me his wings."

...For A Bitch I Don't Even Like

2004-08-18T05:50:58Z

SHOUT OUT TO SYLVIA RAPACZ!!!! WADDUP SHODY?!?! THANKS FOR READING MY LIFE!!!

Ok lots!
So yesterday was a mess. Chad and I & Chad's friends, went to Tyler's Mom's house, who lives in Winetka, for a party b/c Ty's parents were out of town. So it was Me, Chad, Tyler, Joe, Kenny, Kyle, John, Paul, and Jeffey. We were in the hot tub all night, drinking. And a lot of them did some drug, I forgot what its called. I didn't do any drugs. I barely drank. I had 1 cup of something, and then I drank red bull, and some water. I didnt have much fun. I did, a little, but not much. I had fun sleeping in a huge fuckin' king size bed all alone though. It was so big. I was sprawled out! I didn't talk to anyone really. Some words with Chad & some with Tyler & some with John. But that's it. Maybe 10 words top. Not joking. But whatever. I'm over it. I left my fuckin' beautiful shoes at that house. SO MAD!

Today, I watched Sex & The City, and it was the episode where Miranda's mother died, and I cried. I hope me and my mom die on the same day, together, like we both have heartattacks at the same time. I love her.

I then went to Erica's house. I had like 13 pictures left on my camera, so we decided to take pictures of us. HOTTT. ALL OF US! We went shopping for Jillian's birthday presents. And then planned a surprise birthday party for her. (tomorrow). Erica and I blew up a picture of us together, and put 'My Best Friends' on the picture and that's 1 of Jillian's birthday presents! HOTTT. And ya. It's gonna be fun! Wednesday, Thursday and Friday - are ALL PARTY DAYS! WOO! Yaya. SO I guess I'm done. Kbye.

Flying by the Seat of My Pants

2004-08-15T07:08:17Z

Quick lil fuckin' update:
So on Friday, I was suppose to meet up with Mike, but decided not too. Not for the reason that I didn't want to, b/c I did, just for the reason that, eh, accually I don't know. So I cleaned the fuck outa my room and a lil house to get ready for my graduation party. And then I got ready and headed over to Chad's place. We ordered Thai food and watched Freaky Friday. Love that movie. Love Lindsay Lohan! Then Tyler came over and we went to Hunter's. It was sooo much fun. I danced and drank the whole night, and couldn't STOP! My hips were moving at a rapid pace. SOOO much fun! So drunk! I was a mess.

Yesterday was my Graduation party, and it was so much fuckin' fun! At first, it was lame b/c my friends didn't arive till a lil later. Sam, Lawn, and Alegra came first, then Jillian's Ma came. The food was sooo fuckin' good. They all left, and I was just dickin' around, doin' shit. I made $1700. Not bad. I had no intentions of drinking until FUCKIN' Erica came! Then the night started! We drank and drank, and laughed and talked and I read them something I wrote, and Kathleen was there, and she rocks A LOT! It was very fun! Then Dave, Kelly, Amanda, Rapacz, Ron and Amy came, and those fuckers drank so much too. It was A LOT of fun! Then Erica, Kathleen and I tried to find a 24 hours Walgreens b/c I needed lip gloss. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So we couldn't find one. So Erica and I peed on a tree. It was hot. Erica made me this picture thingy with all pictures of us, and put it in a frame. It was called 'The Beginning'. Basically all the pics we took when we first became friends. I was hideous! HAHA!

Everyone left, and my mom and I talked on my bed and it was so good! She's been saying 'I love you' to me, like everyday since Mike and I broke up, which is weird! B/c I didn't show her how upset I WAS at the situation, I shrugged it off like oh well. I don't know why she's been saying it SO much, but she has. It's prolly not b/c of Mike and I, just the fact that once again, Jo meets Asshole! So the conversation was really good! I love that woman!

So yeah, I can't wait for this week!
Sunday: Shopping.
Monday: Last paycheck & out of town with the boys.
Tuesday: ???? Nothing planned.
Wednesday: Jillian's surprise Bday party. DRUNK!
Thursday: Babysit & make HELLA easy cash! Celebrating the day after Jillian's birthday and the day before mine!
Friday: MY FUCKIN' BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!! PARTY THE FUCK UP!

Livin' Life As A Celebrity.

2004-08-13T06:05:04Z

*- I liked you too much. I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves and you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time. I used to say the more tragic the better.

I attempted... I tried... but we won't be alone, so no.

I wish my best friend and soulmate didn't live in Appleton. MATT I can't wait till you move to Chicago. Chicago will be OUR city, and we're going to turn that fuckin' place in our own little nasty world! With our hips moving at a rapid pace.

I can't wait till, Friday, Saturday and Monday!

My friend Samm, sent me this conversation between 2 of my friends... well, who I thought were my friends...

CaRTiEr: omg did you see jo yesterday?
mellobunni: ya, what the fuck was up with him?
CaRTiEr: i dont know. he looked terrible
mellobunni: i could never see him like that!
CaRTiEr: ok, now we know he's fake, b/c he looked like he didnt try to do anything with himself. like he just rolled out of bed. it must take a long time to look as good as he always does.
mellobunni: i know. it looks like he hasnt shaved in 2 weeks, and i think he wore those jeans last week
CaRTiEr1: haha shut up! we are too mean!
mellobunni: ya but idont get it. whats wrong with him?
CaRTiEr: i heard from jim that him and some guy broke up. maybe jo just doesnt care what he looks like anymore
mellobunni: omg depression? no... it cant be. can it?
CaRTiEr: no you kno jo. he always finds these assholes, then goes out, has fun, and finds a new asshole. haha!
mellobunni: that kid loves assholes. im surprised he's not a top.
CaRTiEr: he topped me.
mellobunni: oh.
CaRTiEr: it was hot - but no. i dont think he's upset about mike, i htink thats his name. cuz he sounded fine when i talked to him. but ijust think he doesnt care about what he looks like anymore... OMG! He did say something about not impressing his crush for like 3 years.... OMG
mellobunni: ANTHONY? WHAT? Im going to kill JO! If he sees anthony and looks like shit... ILL KILL HIM!
CaRTiEr: i kno. it cant be that tho.
mellobunni: something is really wrong with him.
CaRTiEr: did u ever see him lower back? doesn't it remind you of britney's?
mellobunni: duh its hot. he did the britney work out for like 8 months!
CaRTiEr: what a fag. do you like jo?
mellobunni: do i like jo? ya. sometimes. when he's not dating asshooles. and when he doesn't talk abotu himself.
CaRTiEr: i kinda cant stand him. he's too fake for me. like... seriously. not appearance rise, but his personality. i don't think he's 'happy' for real. he puts up a front. i know he's some lost little boy inside that crys out loud in his head. he's got family issues and boy issues.
mellobunni: true. but its better to see him happy for depressed all the time.
CaRTiEr: i like when he doesnt smile... his lips make me quiver.
mellobunni: ohmigod... his fuckin' lips!

WHatever now. I'm done. Done with all fuckin' people man! All talk shit.

You Make Me Wanna LALA

2004-08-11T20:00:05Z

So, rumor has it that I'm a slut. I wish I could even be close to a slut. I'm an insecure reck! How could someone so insecure about how they look, even begin to start sleeping with whomever they please. Ha! Right. When I get there one day, you'll know. Going home with someone to sleep there, doesn't mean I slept with them. I'm not that easy.

I hung out with Sam and Lawn for a little bit last night. I miss them like crazy! Lawn got so hot! She's got a lil tight ass on her now. MmM.

HOLD ON IT'S TRAGIC... STUMBLING IN THROUGH ALL THIS STATIC!

I talked to Big last night. Texted back and forth. We agreed to meet up and talk. We'll see what happens. If what happens in Sex and the City, happens in my life... it's going to be pretty fucked up. But we'll see. I just hope we can both see eye to eye for once.

I just wanna talk to you and my broken heart just has no use. And I guess promises are better left unsaid.

I'm doing something CRAZY AND FUCKED UP with my hair. You're all in for a shock...

Oh Big!

2004-08-11T01:48:33Z

Everyone:
You should download the song 'Anna' by Gunnar Madsen. This song is of course only instrumental. No lyrics. It's played at the end of the episode 'La Douleur Exquise' of Season 2 of Sex and the City. It's the song that is played when Carrie realizes that she and Big are over.

Carrie: Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous...

thats me then... its still me now

2004-08-11T00:52:50Z

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